In Focus

Marvelous Martha

Someone once wrote about Martha Stewart, "Her perfection and mind boggling multi-task abilities annoy me. How can she be taping a show for Good Morning America only minutes before serving an 8-course meal for 18 at her sprawling Connecticut estate? It's simply unsettling. From Internet mockery to bare-breasted skits on Saturday Night Live, everyone's having a laugh at Martha's expense. But guess who's really getting the last laugh? Judging by the stack of "Living" magazines on your coffee table my guess would be it's at YOUR expense." Oh yeah, that was me! And guess what Chicks? Miss Martha has continued to sell her magazines and her brand at incredible multiples. At a time when many are crying the blues about the stock market, Millionaire Martha is singing alleluia. What a witch. I wish she could work her magic on the rest of the market. Let's get up to date on what's been brewing in Marthaland. Go on now, grab your brooms...

First of all, Martha has been making it very clear lately that she wants and needs some more time to herself. (Could the 24-hour spotlight be getting to Maestro Martha?) So for the first time, she'll be sharing the spotlight with other professionals she has come to know specializing in everything from food to gardening. This will be a big change not only for Martha, but for her followers, too. Will they like the stand-ins as well? Will they trust them as much as they do Meticulous Martha? We'll soon find out. But in the meantime, can't ya just see the skits on Saturday Night Live? The fans fall in love with the stand-in, so a bare-breasted Martha stuffs cheesecloth in her mouth and ties her up with tulle. So funny.

Anyway, Media-Queen Martha's company, MSO (Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia), is comprised of four distinct areas. The most successful is her publishing business, which brings in the largest revenue -- a beautiful 65% last year. Next would be the television business, most notably the "Martha Stewart Living" program, named after the popular magazine, and the "Martha's Kitchen" program. This segment brings in approximately 13% of MSO revenues. The last two areas of MSO haven't been so successful, but management feels confident that the 9% contribution by Merchandising will continue to grow rapidly with the successes of Martha's kitchen line. They also have a strong belief that the Internet side will begin to increase in revenues, and aren't put off at all by its current minor contribution.

I know, I know. It's incredible to see how Masterful Martha always seems to end up on top, isn't it? Enough to make ya sick, huh? Well get out your Pepto senioritas, the nauseous-ness is just beginning.

On February 21, 2001, MSO reported their net income went from 2.4 million to 5.9 million for the same quarter in 1999. Wait... there's more. That makes the 6th consecutive quarter since their initial public offering that they have exceeded expectations. And with decorative Christmas balls of steel, Mayor Martha is predicting not only that their earnings per share for 2001 will grow 20 to 25%, but also that they'll increase revenues by another 10%. My, my, my.

There are those who continue to poke fun of Martha. (Okay, guilty as charged.) These come from a Donna Lypchuk who has identified symptoms of Martha Stewart's Disease:

• All of the grass in your front yard is braided.
• You serve entrees in an attractive real bird's nest you found in a nearby forest.
• You make your own Jell-o from calves' hooves rather than buy the powdered stuff.

Unfortunately for all you ill-wishers out there, there aren't any known childhood skeletons in the super-organized Martha closet. She was raised in Nutley, New Jersey on Elm Place where she developed a real passion for cooking, gardening and taking care of the home. She was one of six children, and yet her schoolteacher mom still found time to teach her daughter about cooking, baking, canning and sewing. It was her dad, a pharmaceutical rep, who turned her into an avid gardener. She married while still in college, and modeled to help pay her tuition. Eventually she found her way to Wall Street before discovering her real niche: catering. Catering led her to where she is today, a true empress in her very own Lifestyle Industry: Martha's Mecca.

Look, we can envy her all we want, but why? Jealousy is, after all, the green-eyed monster. It gets us nowhere. It is my philosophy that we can certainly learn from her. If you don't like her personality.fine! If you hate her latest hairstyle... no biggie! But would you trust her to manage your daughter's wedding? Would you trust her to decorate your home? Most importantly, would you trust her with your money? Martha is not a monster. Messiah Martha? Maybe.