On Riverside Drive

Nothing like a new laptop to curtail the spring break in your step

That picture of the kids above has nothing to do with this article. I have just saved it as my desktop screensaver as a constant reminder that I'm on spring break with the kids . You see, so far, "on spring break," I've been chained to my laptop.

Last week, I went out and bought myself a brand spankin' new laptop. It's a SONY VAIO, a cute little teacup version of the mama laptop, weighing less than three pounds, and about the size of a DVD player. It fits nicely in a carry-on bag, and I prefer to have it's cute little antenna sticking out, as if to say in a Paris Hilton sort of way, "Hey! Check out my puppy!"

Those nice guys at Best Buy helped me pick it out, and before you knew it, I was skipping out of the store with the proverbial extra kick in my step, giddy to get on the plane and start playing with my new toy.

The things my new laptop is capable of are beyond words. It can access the internet at the speed of sound - even from remote locations! I can be sitting in my car waiting for carpool pick-up and be surfing the net! I can work from the grocery store if need be, because my "always connected" laptop is wirelessly hooked up through an internal Sprint cellular card! I hadn't been this happy since Budweiser came out with a new lo-carb beer.

This all changed though, once I turned the darn thing on at the airport. Instead of getting upset, I blamed it on heightened security - CODE ORANGE must also mean, suspend all internet activity.

I arrived in Phoenix, and immediately powered up, ready for the World Wide Web with my Super Sonic Sony. I put on my swimsuit and plunked down in the chaise lounge.

"Hmmm, this is weird," I thought. "I can't get online with my Sprint card and I've followed all of the directions. Hmph. Just a small glitch, I suppose. I'll have to go call them."

And that, folks, was then end of my spring break. I've been on the phone with them ever since.

"I'm sorry Ma'am, but it's going to take at least 48 hours for your Sprint card to activate," the Helpline told me.

"But I need internet access now!" I said. "The sticker that came on my computer says that I can have access immediately by just going to this website and signing up."

"That is correct, Ma'am. I can't do that over the phone. You need to have access to the internet."

"Well, how am I supposed to have access to the internet if you won't let me access it?"

"I don't know," she said.

So I did what any internet junkie would do at that point, and I pirated access from thy neighbor. I found his Wi-Fi signal and hopped on. I was connected, but I still couldn't get my Internet Explorer to work. I'd type in an address, www.karinhousley.com, and the only response I'd get would be, "Internet page not available." Nothing would work. Not Yahoo, not Google, and not CNN.com.

I called the Helpdesk again. I got Haberdashian.

"Hello, Haberdashian. I can't get my Internet to work. Can you help me?"

After ten minutes of giving him every morsel of information he asked of me - from the model number to the VIN and ESDN security codes, to my social security and credit card numbers to the color of my eyes, Haberdashian now had enough information to steal my identity and my baby Sony.

We went through all of his usual steps to diagnose the problem. Finally after eight reboots and as many hours, he said, "Why don't you go to your router, unplug it, and we'll see if that's the problem."

"Well, you see, Har, I can't do that. I'm using my neighbor's internet, and he doesn't really know."

"Oh, Ma'am. I'm sorry. I can no longer assist you unless you have your own internet access. You'll have to get your own router."

I tried to stay calm, asked Hardashian what he would recommend and hopped in the car and sped off to Best Buy.

I got back, spent the dinner hour reconfiguring all the networking in the house, and was confident I had solved my internet quandary. Let the show begin!

'Internet page you are trying to access is not available.'

I was about to snap, and my scalp rivaled Britney Spears' as of late.

"Calm down," I told myself, "Life is a series of adventures and you're just on one right now. Take a deep breath, and call back the Sony Helpline." And that I did.

"Hi, I just talked with a guy named Hardashian about four hours ago, here's the log number of our conversation."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. I can't find that log number, can you explain the problem?" he said.

"Ya, here's the problem," I answered, as I tried not to elevate my voice, but it took on a life of its own. "I'm on spring break with my family, and so far I've spent the first couple of days on the phone with you. Everyone's mad at me because they want to go horseback riding, and I can't focus until I get my NEW LAPTOP TO WORK!"

"I'm sorry about that Ma'am. Let's see if I can help you."

So we went through the VIN, ESDN, and the four hundred steps that Hardashian had tried and he finally said, "Ma'am, I think it's a problem with your new router. You see, it's operating off of the 'N' band, and that's so new that I don't think your laptop is equipped to operate off it. You need a router that works off the 'G' band. Can you get a new one?"

"Are you implying that my five day old Sony is already outdated?" I asked, no longer controlling my pitch or volume.

He said something, but all I heard was, "Hey, lady, it's not my fault that you're stupid. I'll put you through to my supervisor and we'll see if he can calm you down."

The supervisor came on and said, "The only thing left for us to do is to completely wipe out the whole system and try to reinstall it. Are you prepared to do this?"

"Will it hurt?" I asked.

So, for the next three hours, we wiped out the system and reinstalled all the factory settings. I've just turned the thing back on.

It's a miracle I was able to send this in to the Gazette.

Now, I'm going to go horseback riding, with those kids in the picture that are waiting for me…