On Riverside Drive

Experiencing iPhone envy? Then close your eyes and keep your good looks

I'm in desperate need of eye surgery. No, not because of the ulcer on my cornea that I experienced a few months back - but, because I can't uncross my left eye from my right. You see, I just bought Apple's new iPhone.

When Apple first came out with their little gadgets, it took every ounce of restraint I could muster to not wait in the overnight lines to buy one, and every sane ka-ching of my Visa to keep me from outdoing the highest bidder on eBay. I wanted one and it was killing me. Hi, my name is Karin, and I'm a technology addict.

I did my best to ignore all the chalkboard scratching iPhone hype.

When the masterfully executed commercials would air on TV, it was my cue to leave the room and head to the biffy. I couldn't bear to watch. As a stockholder, when Apple would email me shareholder information, I'd have to delete without opening, because, it would almost always include irritating messages that read , "Our iPhone sales are through the roof, and Karin Housley, you are the only one in town that doesn't yet own one!" or "We at Apple have partnered with another brand leading software manufacturer, making our iPhone the cutting edge in technology, and Karin Housley, when are you going to break down and buy one?!"

The only way I could get out of bed each day iPhoneless was to read aloud what I had written on the Post-It note next to my nightstand, "Breathe. It's all hype. It's not that special. It's only a phone. I already have a phone…a decent phone. They're too expensive. It'll break. They're heavy. They're ugly. People who use them are ugly. Ugly and stupid! Yah! (High-five the ceiling.) I think I can. I think I can. I love my Motorola. I love my Motorola. I love Motorola! Note: Repeat until scowl is removed from forehead."

That was how I left the house each and every day. If by chance I saw one of the ugly and stupid people showing off their iPhone, I'd turn my green and envious self around, and mutter in their direction, "Oh , ya, well, my phone has internet too. And, by the way, you waaaay overpaid for that. " Hmph.

And then, as if Apple's CEO, Steve Jobs, heard me and wished for my personal revenge on all the ugly and stupid people, he slashed the iPhone's price by $200! I couldn't get to the store fast enough.

Let me tell ya something, those ugly and stupid people were onto something, and they were onto it a lot sooner than me.
I've only had my iPhone for a week, and, like the Blackberry, (a.k.a. "Crackberry", called that for its addictive nature), my family has nicknamed mine, the 'highPhone.' It's that good.

Last night, I poured myself a glass of wine, sat down with my highPhone, and discovered a whole new world. I have crossed over to the other side. You see, wherever you go, the iPhone searches the "air" for a Wi-Fi (wireless internet) signal and with a click of a button, you're on the web, surfing away…at super high speeds. Touch the YouTube button, and you're brought to the world's largest free video-clip service. Need directions, touch the MAPS button. Hit the SATELLITE tab, and zoom in on the car in your driveway. Touch the STOCK button, and voila, instant stock quotes.

Weather in Phoenix? Touch the WEATHER button, and immediately, the five day forecast for the Phoenix area. (I have Duluth, New York, Stillwater, Paris, Scottsdale and Walker, MN in my weather button.)

An added bonus to the iPhone is that it links up with your iTunes on your computer, so you can download music and video collections to your personal handheld vice. I'm able to listen to Neil Diamond while at the grocery store, watch Nickelback's "Rock Star" music video at my son's hockey game, or brush up on my Spanish with another Rosetta Stone audiotape lesson while driving to the North Shore.

Believe it or not, it still functions as a phone. It has a contact management system, yellow pages, calendar, alarm clock, note organizer and camera, but in addition to that, it allows you to take and carry a gazillion photos in the palm of your hand. Its voicemail collection and texting program are state of the art, never seen before, and I can no longer live without.

I'm addicted. I can't get enough of it. I spend every waking minute with my highPhone, taking it wherever I go, (even some places I shouldn't - i.e. bedroom and bathroom,) and I'll share my little aphrodisiac with anyone who's interested.
Now, I'm one of the ugly and stupid people. Every once in awhile I run into a 'Green with Envy' carrying their antiquated Treo, Blackberry or Razor and they'll say something like, "Oh ya, well I just downloaded a new ringtone."

I can only smile with empathy, and give them the temperature in Paris.

I must run - I just downloaded Soulja Boy's "Crank That" dance instructional video. I can hardly wait to embarrass my kids when they get home from school. In the meantime, anyone know of a good eye surgeon?
 

Karin Housley is a realtor in the St. Croix Valley, a Wednesday Valley Life columnist and hosts a weekly radio show every Saturday morning at 9:00 on AM 1220 KLBB - or listen live via the web at klbbradio.com. You can email her at karin@karinhousley.com or visit her website at www.karinhousley.com.